RPGDude's Stories

[RPGDude]

What's happening, all of y'all? RPGDude's the name. I'm gonna produce some stories for your viewing pleasure. They feature these characters.

Cloud
Aerith
Yuffie
Sephiroth
Squall
Zell
Zidane
Adelbert Steiner
Sora
Riku
Donald Duck
Moogle

Stay Tuned.

[Valkyrie Esker]

http://www.rpgclassics.com/~hideout/sprites/images/valkyrie/valstand.gifMan, anything that has Donald Duck in it has got to be good! Of course, you'll be severely judged now based on your writing skills, but no pressure ^^

[Chris-chris]

hmm... sounds like a Kingdom Hearts fic, eh? Good. I need a good fic to read. I hope to see it soon and welcome aboard!:wave:

[Sorcerer]

Steiners not in Kingdom Hearts.

[Chris-chris]

So, it can be a crossover. ;P

[RPGDude]

Nice to meet you all. And I know Steiner's not in KH, but OH WELL. He IS a Squaresoft character after all.

HERE WE GO!

Title - Meet the Crew

Announcer - Ladies & gentlemen. Introducing the cast of characters. From Final Fantasy 7, the hero with the freakishly huge sword; CLOUD!

Cloud - (looks at his sword) IT'S TRUE! GOOD LORD, IT'S TRUE!

Announcer - And his beautiful gal; AERITH!

Aerith - Thank you! I love you all.

Sephiroth - Wait a minute. I thought I killed you!

Announcer - Pipe down, pretty boy! You're not on yet! And the conceited ninja girl; YUFFIE! That's right, I said it. YUFFIE IS CONCEITED! (Of course, you all knew that)

Yuffie - You make it sound like it's a bad thing.

Announcer - And the evil psycho SEPHIROTH; the only Final Fantasy character who was voiced by a boy band member. Namely; Lance Bass.

Sephiroth - Lance Bass and I are nothing alike!

Announcer - Sez you, Lance.

Sephiroth - THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

Announcer - Whatever you say, Mr. Bass.

Sephiroth - JUST BECAUSE I'M EVIL DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SCREW WITH ME!

Announcer - Yes, it does. And from Final Fantasy 8. He needs no introduction. (pauses)

Squall - Well?

Announcer - Well what?

Squall - Aren't you going to say my name?

Announcer - You told me you needed no introduction. So, NO INTRODUCTION.

Squall - Why me?

Announcer - And his buddy; ZELL!

Zell - Yo.

Squall - That's it? All you have to say is "Yo"?

Zell - Pretty much.

Announcer - And from Final Fantasy 9. The hero who has the tail of a monkey; ZIDANE!

Zidane - I have a tail?

Announcer - Yeah. Haven't you noticed?

Zidane - Not really.

Announcer - And the disgruntled knight, ADELBERT STEINER!

Steiner - This armor is too tight! It's giving me a wedgie rash!

Zidane - Hey there, Rusty.

Steiner - Shut up, Monkey Boy! I'm going to bed!

Announcer - And from Kingdom Hearts. The hero who dresses like Pinocchio; SORA!

Sora - I do not dress like Pinocchio!

Announcer - Don't lie to me now. Your nose might grow. And his rival from the show 7th Heaven; RIKU!

Riku - I'm not on that show. My voice actor was, but I'm not.

Announcer - And the fowl with a very bad temper; DONALD DUCK!

Donald - WHAT? I don't have a temper! (Loses his temper) BWAAAK!

Announcer - Then, what do you call THAT?

Donald - That does it! (casts Graviga on Narrator)

Announcer - (in pain) OW! OKAY! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!

Zidane - That's what you get for messing with Donald Duck.

Announcer - And finally, the creatures who have appeared in all of those games; THE MOOGLES!

Moogles - (they all chant "Kupo" repeatedly)

Announcer - Now you know the cast of losers.

Cloud - That does it! MOOGLES ATTACK!

(Moogles attack Announcer)

Sora - And now, a song!

(Everyone sings "We Will Rock You" by Queen)

(Monstro falls from the sky and squashes everybody)

Monstro - I've got to cut down on the Ho-Ho's.

THE END.

Don't worry. They're all okay (except for the Announcer). Not even Monstro can bring them down.

They'll all be back soon (except for the Announcer)

[Valkyrie Esker]

http://www.rpgclassics.com/~hideout/sprites/images/valkyrie/valstand.gifThat was actually rather... well, not good, really. There was no real plot, it wasn't too well-written, and it left me feeling slightly dumber than I did going in.

[OmegaflareX]

To be honest, there are a lot of flaws in that:

- It was rather disorganized

- The characters don't sound anything like themselves (a bit OOC is fine, but what you did kind of pushes over the limit)

- It's hard to understand

- ...I really hope my I.Q. didn't just go down from reading that

[Chris-chris]

Do you plan to change it more like a story? I could understand the type of setting it had, but I'm a little clueless. Of crouse, you'll have to wait to hear Misstress Weiila's advise. She knows more than me. Of crouse, I'm her student. Well, almost ^_^

[RPGDude]

I knew that was coming. :( There WAS a plot. You just missed it. The plot was the introduction of the characters, and it shows what big jerks some announcers can be.

I know Valkyrie doesn't always mean to be a bitch, even to us newcomers, but I do take offense easily! So, if you no one has anything positive to say about my writing, then please keep those not-so-positive opinions to yourselves. And no, I don't care if you're just being honest.

That's all. Thanx.

[Chris-chris]

I didn't mean any offense new one. *pats RPGDudes back* There, there. Maybe you could've put it differently. examples: Describe the scene; tell us whats happening and where is it at; a.k.a the setting. Maybe, also, you could put into a poem like struture (read the Dairy of Anne Frank) take this for an example:

(Sora enters the arena (I'm gussing its an arean) waving his arms about. He has a murderous look on his face as he apporaches the announcer)

Sora: I do not dress like Pinocchico! (still approaching the announcer hand on the hilt of the Keyblade)

Please don't take this offenseively. I don't mean to be mean...:( I'm just giving a little advise before people bite your head off... and mine. :)

Just, take a look and think about what you could do that won't confuse the readers. I'll PM you so you can understand what I mean, Kay? :kissy:

[Valkyrie Esker]

http://www.rpgclassics.com/~hideout/sprites/images/valkyrie/valstand.gifI apologize, I wasn't attempting to be mean. I just tend to be blunt about things i see wrong with writing. And believe me, I tell it a lot better than most would here. Although, I do apologize for the "dumbing down" remark.

[Chris-chris]

make sure you look in your PM. Kay? Now, don't take anything seroius young one. people only try to help out, kay?

[OmegaflareX]

For starters, if you take offense easily, you aren't going to survive on this forum. :P

Even if our opinions may sound slightly cruel, it's because your writing skill COULD use improving. It doesn't mean we're being jerks to you. If you're not going to take criticism, there's no point in writing stories.

[Cless Alvein]

Oh, well, if you were looking for only compliments and no real constructive criticism, then you should have said so in your first post.

[OmegaflareX]

Not that I can think of any. :) :) :)

[Sorcerer]

Oh for fucks sake.

It's called constructive criticisim, you just got some of it. You're going to get it for the rest of your life, and you're going to have to learn not to take offense to it, otherwise, you're going to be living in one big spiraling wave of shit for the rest of your life, and you aren't going to like it because you don't seem to be able to take constructive criticisim.

Your story was chaotic, made no sense, had no plot, no character development, and most of all lacked any sort of structure.

Now, how exactly do you correct all these things? Easily.

First off, ditch the shittastic script style format. It doesn't do anything for anybody - in fact, I believe it makes most stories suck. You have got no room for any sort of development. All you've got is one line after another of dialogue, and maybe a nice little paragraph explaining just what exactly went on.

Next, go into depth. Don't go massivly into it, otherwise you'll bore us all to tears - instead, be descriptive and explain things in a concise, quick to the point method.

Lastly, add some flare to your characters, make them different. Make each one of them interesting, and try to induce a feeling into the reader from actions the characters do.

[OmegaflareX]

Yeah, I'm with Sorc on that one. Stories in movie script form don't really convey the fire of the story or the emotions of the characters to the readers very well.

[Weiila]

It might seem harshly expressed, RPGDude, but you mustn't take it as a personal attack. Actually, we're just trying to help you become a better writer. We're NOT bashing you, but attempting to show you the flaws of the story so far so that you can become a better writer.

[RPGDude]

First of all, how I choose to handle constructive critisism is my business. I don't just deal with it easily and/or "learn to" just like that. So, don't give me any of that "Oh for fuck's sake!" BS! If you've got a problem with what I just said, PM me about it.

Second of all, Script-Form is how I write this stuff. Paragraph-Form is good, but not my style of writing. So, GET USED TO IT! I'll add a plot description next time, but that's it.

And as for Valkyrie - Fortunately for you, I'm a forgiving person. So, apology accepted. ;)

And if you're all going to help, don't be too harsh about. My signature is a message to you all.

[Evangelion]

Well, whatever style of writing you want to produce is fine, but just so you know, I've noticed a lot of people in here express themselves in their posts creatively, and it just makes people naturally want to read more if it's in paragraph format, or something that we can picture as we're reading.Line after line, is just kind of...non imaginative, especially if it's out of character.
But if you're just working your way into fanfic or writing, then it's okay to experiment with different kinds of format, but most people wont accept something so blunt.
Aaaand I wouldn't try and your shove your sig down anyone's throats, because they wont take it here;)
In no way am I trying to be harsh or disrespectful.Maybe I can help you with my comments, or maybe they wont.I'm just suggesting:fungah:

[RPGDude]

I'm NOT shoving sigs down people's throats! I'm just putting EMPHASIS on the "Don't be rude" part!

Sorry. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this tough crowd.

It seems they want perfection from me.

[OmegaflareX]

Originally posted by RPGDude
First of all, how I choose to handle constructive critisism is my business. I don't just deal with it easily and/or "learn to" just like that. So, don't give me any of that "Oh for fuck's sake!" BS! If you've got a problem with what I just said, PM me about it.

Second of all, Script-Form is how I write this stuff. Paragraph-Form is good, but not my style of writing. So, GET USED TO IT! I'll add a plot description next time, but that's it.

A few things:

1. Sorc is not being rude, nor does he have a problem with you. He was pointing out that you take offense too easily and you assume you're already a great writer. Well, sorry to burst your bubble here, but you need improving.

2. Your story has flat characters, a flat description, and is very unexciting. Maybe you ought to change your ways and think about the advice we're giving you instead of assuming we're just bashing you.

3. You're not making any friends with that attitude

EDIT: People are entitled to their opinions just as you are, by the way.

[RPGDude]

Change my ways?! That's like changing who I am.

And I wouldn't have gotten an attitude with anyone if I hadn't been so harshly informed. If people are going to inform me, at least put in a way I won't get all attitudish. And who said I was trying to make friends? I didn't. I've got enough friends in my town that like me well enough. AND my writing is just fine!

SO THERE!

[OmegaflareX]

Change my ways?! That's like changing who I am.

You need to read between the lines more. I'm saying that you need to change the way you accept others' opinions.

And I wouldn't have gotten an attitude with anyone if I hadn't been so harshly informed.

You were informed politely before, but then you started complaining, which is why Sorc got annoyed.

If people are going to inform me, at least put in a way I won't get all attitudish.

They did. Except you obviously are too sensitive for your own good, considering we joke around a lot on RPGC.

And who said I was trying to make friends? I didn't. I've got enough friends in my town that like me well enough. AND my writing is just fine!

Well, when you be a jerk on an MB, everyone is going to dislike you. By the way, your writing has some errors, is in a really disorganized script form, and has no plot development.

Your point is?

[Evangelion]

Sorry. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this tough crowd

Hmm, kinda.But someone's writing is something to be extremely critical about, and I know from experience that critism is sometimes unwanted.They're just pointing out what they think you may to improve on.And people generally judge you by your first posts, so....

[RPGDude]

I was NOT complaining! I wasn't being a jerk! I WOULD KNOW! There WAS plot development. YOU just didn't see it! :fungah:

And I'm not gonna change the way I think through suggestion of others!

[Evangelion]

Dude, we're not asking you to move heaven and earth.Most of us, such as I, just suggested things to improve on your writing.

[OmegaflareX]

Originally posted by RPGDude
I was NOT complaining! I wasn't being a jerk! I WOULD KNOW! There WAS plot development. YOU just didn't see it! :fungah:

So now there IS plot development? A few posts ago you said NEXT time you were going to create a plot. Either that, or your story is too messy. Or both.

Originally posted by RPGDude
And I'm not gonna change the way I think through suggestion of others!

Then you're not going to do well writing stories, considering a good chunk of it is based on how you listen to the suggestions of others.

[RPGDude]

I said I was gonna put a plot DESCRIPTION! There already was a plot DEVELOPMENT!

I feel like the whole world's against me!:(

[OmegaflareX]

For the record, I visibly noticed very little plot development.

Now I'm trying to be reasonable about this. The members of this MB are not against you. You ARE being a jerk in how you respond to others' suggestions. If you're going to hit people, people are going to hit you back. But then, you only read what you want to read.

EDIT: By the way, if you don't work hard on stories, you don't get much out of them, and I can assume that you didn't work on it very well. So once more, I'm going to review nicely:

1. Use a normal story form

2. Organize your characters better and make the characters actually sound who they are

3. Make the story much more interesting

[RPGDude]

No, I was NOT being a jerk. I was unaccepted by the people, which caused me to lose my cool.

[OmegaflareX]

Originally posted by RPGDude
No, I was NOT being a jerk. I was unaccepted by the people, which caused me to lose my cool.

Read over what I said. You were accepted BEFORE you started criticizing others about not praising your story. Your whole "I am unaccepted" bit is BS.

Originally posted by RPGDude
I'm the RPGDude
So don't be rude
Or I'll start a feud

We weren't rude, but you're doing a good job feuding.

I must say, talking to you is like talking to a wall, so I'm going to give up, since you can't seem to absorb that we're TRYING to be nice. Good day.

[RPGDude]

I was not criticizing! Geez louise! It's like everything I do is wrong! The only difference between me and a wall is that I have a life! So, don't tell me to get a life, 'cuz I DO have a life! And I know SOME of you were trying to be nice, like Valikyrie, Chris-chris, and Evangelion. At least THOSE people are cool with me.

To those people, Thanks.

To those who continued to put me down, NO thanks!

[OmegaflareX]

I know I said I would quit but...

Originally posted by RPGDude
[B]I was not criticizing! Geez louise! It's like everything I do is wrong!

You're overreacting again. Yes, by the way, you were criticizing. If you don't know what that means.

The only difference between me and a wall is that I have a life! So, don't tell me to get a life, 'cuz I DO have a life!

...When the hell did I say that?

And I know SOME of you were trying to be nice, like Valikyrie, Chris-chris, and Evangelion. At least THOSE people are cool with me.

For your information, I WAS trying to be nice. Look over my posts. You're just judging me in a biased way because I defended Sorcerer.

To those who continued to put me down, NO thanks!

Anytime. I didn't put you down, by the way. If you're down to making things up, I suggest you quit now.

[LunarCry]

Look, RPGDude, if you're going to be taken seriously in a community of writers and educated readers, you can't expect people to walk on tenter-hooks around your work. Constructive criticism is an integral part of your development as a writer.

First of all, how I choose to handle constructive critisism is my business.

By reacting so immaturely to it, you won't gain ANY respect as a writer of any standard.

Second of all, Script-Form is how I write this stuff. Paragraph-Form is good, but not my style of writing. So, GET USED TO IT! I'll add a plot description next time, but that's it.

Even script form has actions and detail. Check out KaiserVonAlmasy's "Scenes from a Parallel Universe" (http://www.rpgclassics.com/Fanfics/parallelff8.shtml) for a kick-ass example of script form done well. If you're not going to do it properly, then I'm afraid you're just being lazy. A real story isn't just comprised of dialogue, I'm afraid. The "GET USED TO IT!" part isn't gaining you any READERS, either. You might not be interested in friends, but a writer without readers is dead to the world. So YOU get used to catering to the needs of your audience, unless you're the only one who intends to read your work.

And any 'story' that requires a plot description to make it plain to the reader what's going on is not a story at all, I'm afraid.

AND my writing is just fine!
SO THERE!

Well, THAT'S mature. If your writing's so perfect, why don't you publish it instead of wasting your time posting it here, expecting comments and then throwing them all back in everyone's faces when you get some that aren't to your liking? No writer is perfect - even acclaimed authors improved over time, and through the help of proof-readers and second opinions. So what if your work sounds good to YOU? It's not YOU who's going to read it. If you're not going to listen to and respect the opinions of the people who read your work, you might as well lock it up on your hard drive and read it yourself.

Good gods! If you take offence at every crit directed at you, you simply aren't going to make it as a writer. And that's the hard, sad truth. But, well, if you want cute, fluffy and false "It's good ^^" comments, then just wait and see if you get any.

And wait . . .

And wait . . .

[Chris-chris]

Look here. Everyone we must calm down befor something bad happens. RPGDude, don't take things too harsh. Everyone else, I think he noticed his mistakes, kay. So, lets not rase too much of a flare...:p

[RPGDude]

Listen, people. All I wanted to do was post some fics. And now there's controversy in the air.

I'm not over-sensitive, I'm a just a dude who puts pride in what he does and the pride I have has a huge dent in it.

All I'm asking is that you take it easy on the criticism and not use words like "fuck" and "shit", because that's part of the reason I got all pissy.

And as for the wall thing, Omega said that talking to me is like talking to a wall, so THAT's where it came from.

I'm just a newcomer. And if there will be no more hateful replies towards me, I will drop this whole matter and just do what I came here to do.

That is all.

[Chris-chris]

No comments *cast hush on everyone*
Check your PM RPGDude.

[OmegaflareX]

Well, if you're going to put pride in your work, at least put work INTO it. When others state their opinions, if your pride gets a "dent" in it, then your emotional problem is fairly obvious.

The replies were not hateful. The mere fact that you think so proves that you probably have a narcissic complex. That talking to a wall was true, since I tried being nice, but you ignore nearly everything I say and just make fake excuses that "the world hates you" and that "you are unaccepted". So, I'm going to give you a piece of advice: Grow up and take criticizm like a man or stop writing stories.

EDIT: Get glasses, the mentioned words were used about twice.

[Cless Alvein]

Name one reply that was "hateful"?

[RPGDude]

I'm going to post another fic. Remember, "don't be hatin'."

Title - A Night on The Town Pt. 1

Plot Description - Cid takes Sora, Donald, and Goofy for a night in Traverse Town. But what happens when Cid is exposed to alcohol?

(Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter Traverse Town and they walk up to Cid)

CID - Oh. Hey, kid. How's it going?

SORA - Good. We just sealed another keyhole.

CID - You don't say?

GOOFY - H'yuk! It wasn't easy, but we pulled it off as a team.

DONALD - Those Heartless ain't got nothin' on us.

CID - Whoop-de-doo!

SORA - What's YOUR problem?

CID - Sorry, kid. It's just that I've been standing here in front of my gummi shop 24 hours a day. I just need to get out.

SORA - Get out?

CID - Yeah, you know. Get out and do something. I'm closing down my shop for the night. I gotta go have some fun and let loose. You three wanna come along?

(The trio huddles around each other and talk it over)

SORA - Okay.

DONALD - Sure.

GOOFY - Okie dokie.

CID - Great! Let's go!

(They all enter the cafe for dinner)

CID - I tell ya. What a place! Hey, waiter!

WAITER - Yes?

CID - How about gettin' us some scotch?

WAITER - Sorry, we don't sell alcohol to children OR cartoon characters.

CID - Oh well, more for me then.

WAITER - Right away.

GOOFY - (looking around) What cartoon characters? I don't see any cartoon characters.

DONALD - (rolls his eyes) I'm not even gonna bother with that one.

CID - So, how's your entrees?

SORA - This fish is just like mom used to make.

DONALD - The steak is great, but WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO PUT DUCK ON THE MENU?! Someone here is a cannibal!

CHEF - (behind Donald) Duck L'orange to serve!

DONALD - (casts Firaga on him) Don't even think about it, ya big palooka!

GOOFY - The barbeque pork tastes pretty swell.

CID - Too bad they don't serve sushi. I like sushi.

WAITER - Your scotch.

CID - Thank you, my good man. And here's a tip. (gulps some down) Ah. (burp!) Oh, pardon. I haven't had some good scotch like that since I started the gummi business.

SORA - How long have you been in the gummi business?

CID - (not listening) Man, this place is boring! Let's go somewhere else.

GOOFY - Where else IS there?

CID - Hmm....

(So, they decided to head back to the shop, so that Cid could get his gummi car)

CID - I build my own gummi car out of gummi blocks. I named it "Road-Raider". There's room for four. Hop in.

(They hopped in and Cid drove wrecklessly around town)

DONALD - Whoa! Hey! Careful with the driving, will ya?

GOOFY - Maybe that scotch had too much chocohol.

DONALD - It's "ALCOHOL".

SORA - There's a law about drinking and driving, Cid.

CID - Aw, that law's a bunch of spinach! Let Popeye scarf it down!

GOOFY - Who's Popeye?

CID - We're heading toward the 2nd District. (hits a stop sign) Whoops! Lousy tree! It got in my way! People AND plants should be more careful while they're on the road.

SORA - But we're not ON a road!

CID - Ah, but you'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

SORA - You guys, Cid is starting to scare me.

DONALD - What're we gonna do?

CID - We're going to the new dance club! THAT'S what were gonna do.

(They enter they dance club and Cid buys another drink)

CID - Ah, my old friend, Mr. Whiskey. (chugs it down)

SORA - I just hope there's no age restriction here.

(Then, the Heartless appeared and had their own party)

SORA - THE HEARTLESS!

DJ HEARTLESS - (singing as the heartless dance to the music) I...FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE ME. I WANNA RIDE; CAN'T FIGHT IT. I MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE DRUMBEAT.

DONALD - They're taking people's hearts and taking over the club.

GOOFY - Gawrsh, that's no good!

DJ HEARTLESS - ...CUZ I'M ADDICTED TO DRUMS AND I'M A SLAVE TO THE DARKBEAT!

CID - (drunk) Hey, they're playin' Oscar G and Ralph Falcon! I love this song! (to the Heartless) Hey, FELLAS! Do you take requests?
How about playin' some Nelly?

GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!

DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!

CID - Don't mention it, Daffy.

DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

TO BE CONTINUED....

[RPGDude]

Title - A Night on the Town Pt. 2

Plot Description - Refer to Part 1.

GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!

DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!

CID - Don't mention it, Daffy.

DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

SORA - Guys! Now's not the time! We gotta fight them off!

(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass)

CID - Yeah! Click their glasses! (He meant to say "Kick their asses") I'm just gonna order some more booze.

(The fight goes on and Sora's team wins)

SORA - Whew! That was close. Everyone's hearts are back where they belong.

CID - (even more drunk) Man, this party blows nose! There's not enough boogie. Let's go.

(They leave the club and drive around some more. They enter the 3rd District)

SORA - Guys, we gotta stop Cid from drinking any more alcohol.

DONALD - But how?

GOOFY - He's drunker than uh......uh......uh......anything that's as drunk as Cid.

DONALD - That didn't make any sense!

SORA - I have a feeling that Cid's going to be the death of us.

CID - (singing) Mr. Peter Cottontail, Hoppin' down the bunny trail, hippety hoppity, EASTER'S ON ITS WAY!

GOOFY - I like Cid better when he's solar.

DONALD - SOBER!

CID - (pulls over) Here we are.

SORA - What are we doing in front of Merlin's house?

CID - What else? We're deliverin' a pizza! (drunk laughter)

GOOFY - Gawrsh, you serve pizza, too?

SORA - No, that's the whiskey talking.

(Cid knocks on the door and Merlin answers)

MERLIN - Yes, can I help you?

CID - Hey there, bearded lady! Wanna buy some girl scout cookies?

MERLIN - I beg your pardon?

SORA - Merlin. Sorry, Cid had too much scotch and whiskey tonight.

DONALD - He invited us for a night on the town, and the next thing you know, he goes completely drunk!

GOOFY - He's a total wreck.

MERLIN - I see.

SORA - Could he be any drunker?

CID - (pulls out a bottle of wine)

GOOFY - Where'd you get THAT?

CID - I rented it from Blockbuster! (gulps the bottle down)

SORA - You see? He's getting even worse!

MERLIN - Hmm...Perhaps the Fairy Godmother can help.

FAIRY GODMOTHER - (appears) Did someone call?

MERLIN - Cid is rather drunk. We thought you could be of some assistance.

FAIRY GODMOTHER - I'll see what I can do. (pulls out her wand) Bibitty Bobitty BOOZE!

(Magically makes a bottle of booze appear)

CID - (picks it up) YAY! I've found some more treasure!

FAIRY GODMOTHER - Oh my! My magic isn't what it used to be.

MERLIN - Then, there's only one thing to do. We must visit Geppetto!

(They all head to the 1st District and visit Geppetto)

GEPPETTO - Why hello there, Sora.

SORA - Can you help Cid?

MERLIN - He's terribly drunk.

CID - (looking at Geppetto) Hey, he's got a wedgie! I want one too! (gives himself a wedgie) Ow...

PINOCCHIO - (drinking Cid's booze)

GEPPETTO - PINOCCHIO! Where did you get that?

PINOCCHIO - Cid sold it to me for 15 dollars. (his nose grows)

CID - (throws up)

GEPPETTO - My goodness! He seems to be getting worse! I have an idea!

MERLIN - Yes?

GEPPETTO - First, we hold him upside-down, and then we...(sees Cid's clothes on the floor, but Cid is gone) He's gone!

GOOFY - Gawrsh, he must've shrunken into an itty bitty man!

DONALD - (sees the door open) He must've stripped naked and left.

SORA - He's probably streaking in public.

(They all look out the window)

CID - WAHOO! FREEDOM!

LADY - Hey! Put some clothes on!

FAT MAN - Have you no decency?

KID - Hey, isn't that the guy who runs the gummi shop?

MOOGLE - GOOD LORD, kupo! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

SORA - This is very disturbing.

GEPPETTO - I'm so happy that's not us out there, right, Pinocchio? (sees Pinocchio's clothes on the floor, but Pinocchio is gone) Pinocchio?

GOOFY - He's out there with Cid!

MERLIN - My goodness, he's a very badly influenced little puppet, isn't he? And now, three other kids are getting into the act.

DONALD - HUEY! DEWEY! LOUIE!

HUEY - This is fun!

DEWEY - I'm glad Unca Donald's not around!

LOUIE - He'd have our tail-feathers!

DONALD - They've got THAT right.

GOOFY - Look! Two men in blue are coming.

POLICE 1 - Mr. Highwind. You're under arrest for wreckless driving, drinking and driving, stealing a bottle of wine from the dance club, pretending to sell girl scout pizza, and (ewck!) running around in the nude.

POLICE 2 - Please put this towel on and come with us.

CID - Are we going to Disneyland?

POLICE 1 - Er, something like that.

(The next day, the three heroes visit Cid in jail)

SORA - Hey, Cid. We're here to bail you out.

CID - (rubbing his head) Oh, geez. Thanks, kid. I don't know what got into me. My head hurts like crap. Hey, wait. Why am I wearing a towel?

GOOFY - We sure had a great time last night. Perhaps we can do it again sometime.

CID - Sounds good, but I think I'm gonna stick to selling gummi blocks for a while.

DONALD - That's good.

CID - Say, guys? Can we stop by the mall and pick up some clothes?

THE END.

[Sorcerer]

Ok, you know what, my day has sucked COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASS. I don't need some wannabe playwright telling me to eat my words.

Thats about as much plot description that you get on the back of a box of cheerios. Stuff like "(The fight goes on and Sora's team wins)" and "(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass)" is about the writing talent of a golf ball.

Oh, by the way. I wasn't trying to be mean then, and Im not trying to be mean now, but since you seem to think I was trying to be a prick about it, I figured I might as well really be a prick about it.

Anyway - I don't need to get used to your writing style, because right now, you don't even have a style. What you've got is a bunch of dialogue. Anybody can write dialogue and put names next too it - what you need to do is capture the essence of who it is you're writing about, and put it into words. Sora is a spunky kid with spikey hair who waves his car keys around - you need to put that into words, and scripts simply don't do that. Scripts are made for actors, because they are told what their characters are like by directors and told to act out their parts. This is why people write novels, things in paragraph form, because then they can help describe their own characters. How they look, how they act, and most importantly, how they feel. "(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass) " doesn't really capture any sort of emotion of how Sora feels kicking out who ever's ass. What if someone hasn't played kingdom hearts? They wouldn't know what kind of weapons they have. Something like that should look more like this:

Sora cautiously unsheaths his keyblade, and motions to all his intent; no longer is he standing by and watching these actions unfold. Donald follows suit, and unclips his staff from his back, and waves it around with a quack. Goofy emerges from the shadows, shield in hand, ready to take action. All three move in unison, against a common foe.

Let me just add that I have read what you've written, and you left out a crucial factor - what the fuck are they fighting? And can you quote passages of your story that are used for plot advancement? Just what is your story about anyway?

[Valkyrie Esker]

http://www.rpgclassics.com/~hideout/sprites/images/valkyrie/valstand.gifSorry, dude, but I gotta agree with the others on this. You HAVE been acting rather... well, not nice about oher people's criticism. I have to say, you aren't that good a writer if you won't listen to others with a clear head.

[Sinistral]

you'll have to post your fics in another thread if this keeps up. People, calm down. Dude: you need to learn that if you post your stuff, people will criticize. If you don't want to hear anything like this, send it to Weilla, but then your work won't get any better because criticism is what makes better writers. If you don't know your flaws , you can't improve them.

[Cless Alvein]

And please, don't take it the wrong way and go off saying "I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULD BE MEAN ABOUT MY WORK >:( >:( >:(" We're actually trying to help.

[OmegaflareX]

RPGDude, I really don't want to sound like an ass, but I have to be completely honest here:

You write flat, one dimensional characters in a flat, one dimensional setting, and most of the time, I have no idea what's going on. Your stories are undetailed, unexciting, and so boring that posting it will probably serve as a sleeping potion. Therefore, consider taking our advice, for ONCE, and at least TRY to improve your writing skills. Otherwise, give up now, because you're obviously not getting any of those fluffy "Oooh, I love it!" comments that you seem to love so much.

[Weiila]

:fungah: You go away for one evening and sheez.

Okay everyone, chill. Dude obviously has a bad sense of belief in himself, this isn't helping I'm afraid. He is taking things much harsher then we've meant, so let's back off.

Now Dude, please listen.
We do not hate you. We're just trying to help you become a better writer, that's all.
A beginning writer won't be the best at first. Val wasn't, Sorc wasn't, and neither was I. But if you want silk glove treatment, I'll give it a try. I'm going to do a beta read of your first chapter.

[Weiila]

I'm being as nice as I can, but if you take this offensively as well there's nothing I can do for you.



Title - A Night on The Town Pt. 1

Plot Description - Cid takes Sora, Donald, and Goofy for a night in Traverse Town. But what happens when Cid is exposed to alcohol?

>Summary... that's fine but don't make it part of your story. You're supposed to let us know that within the text.

(Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter Traverse Town and they walk up to Cid)

>Is Cid standing in the middle of the square by the entrance and not in his shop? It sounds like that since they enter and just frolick forwards to see their blond pal.

CID - Oh. Hey, kid. How's it going?

SORA - Good. We just sealed another keyhole.

CID - You don't say?

GOOFY - H'yuk! It wasn't easy, but we pulled it off as a team.

DONALD - Those Heartless ain't got nothin' on us.

>Where was this keyhole? On which world, they should at least mention something about who helped them and so on since Cid asked how it was going.

CID - Whoop-de-doo!

>How does Cid look when he says this? I'm guessing it's a cheer but it can also be ironic.

SORA - What's YOUR problem?

>Oh, so it was sarcastic? Or?

CID - Sorry, kid. It's just that I've been standing here in front of my gummi shop 24 hours a day. I just need to get out.

>Oh, so he WAS outside of the gummi shop. But then they wouldn't just "walk up to him", they'd cross the square, pass Pinochio's house and turn left. See, it doesn't have to get more complicated than the description I just gave you to set the scene.

SORA - Get out?

CID - Yeah, you know. Get out and do something. I'm closing down my shop for the night. I gotta go have some fun and let loose. You three wanna come along?

(The trio huddles around each other and talk it over)

SORA - Okay.

DONALD - Sure.

GOOFY - Okie dokie.

>Since they talked it over, only one reply is really needed I'd say.

CID - Great! Let's go!

(They all enter the cafe for dinner)

>The cafe by the square or somewhere else?

CID - I tell ya. What a place! Hey, waiter!

WAITER - Yes?

>What waiter. Is it a man or woman?

CID - How about gettin' us some scotch?

>Are they sitting down by a table now?

WAITER - Sorry, we don't sell alcohol to children OR cartoon characters.

CID - Oh well, more for me then.

WAITER - Right away.

GOOFY - (looking around) What cartoon characters? I don't see any cartoon characters.

>Instead of writing things between paranthesises, write it like "'/.../ I don't see any cartoon characters,' Goofy said, looking around."

DONALD - (rolls his eyes) I'm not even gonna bother with that one.

>Same here.

CID - So, how's your entrees?

SORA - This fish is just like mom used to make.

>When did they get the food? When did they order?

DONALD - The steak is great, but WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO PUT DUCK ON THE MENU?! Someone here is a cannibal!

CHEF - (behind Donald) Duck L'orange to serve!

DONALD - (casts Firaga on him) Don't even think about it, ya big palooka!

>The chef was not to think of what? And why was he behind Donald?

GOOFY - The barbeque pork tastes pretty swell.

CID - Too bad they don't serve sushi. I like sushi.

WAITER - Your scotch.

CID - Thank you, my good man. And here's a tip. (gulps some down) Ah. (burp!) Oh, pardon. I haven't had some good scotch like that since I started the gummi business.

>Why hasn't he taken time off?

SORA - How long have you been in the gummi business?

CID - (not listening) Man, this place is boring! Let's go somewhere else.

>Where did that come from all of a sudden? Wasn't he enjoying his drink?

GOOFY - Where else IS there?

CID - Hmm....

(So, they decided to head back to the shop, so that Cid could get his gummi car)

>Did the guys finish their meals in highspeed? How long time passed in the cafe?

CID - I build my own gummi car out of gummi blocks. I named it "Road-Raider". There's room for four. Hop in.

>Where did he store this thing?

(They hopped in and Cid drove wrecklessly around town)

DONALD - Whoa! Hey! Careful with the driving, will ya?

GOOFY - Maybe that scotch had too much chocohol.

DONALD - It's "ALCOHOL".

SORA - There's a law about drinking and driving, Cid.

>How would he know, there were no cars or even machinery on Destiny island as far as I saw.

CID - Aw, that law's a bunch of spinach! Let Popeye scarf it down!

GOOFY - Who's Popeye?

CID - We're heading toward the 2nd District. (hits a stop sign) Whoops! Lousy tree! It got in my way! People AND plants should be more careful while they're on the road.

>Where are they now?

SORA - But we're not ON a road!

CID - Ah, but you'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

SORA - You guys, Cid is starting to scare me.

DONALD - What're we gonna do?

CID - We're going to the new dance club! THAT'S what were gonna do.

(They enter they dance club and Cid buys another drink)

>Where is this dance club? In the second district? Okay, but where in there? And what about the heartless infecting everything but the first district, the sewers and Merlin's hut?

CID - Ah, my old friend, Mr. Whiskey. (chugs it down)

SORA - I just hope there's no age restriction here.

(Then, the Heartless appeared and had their own party)

>Aha, so the Heartless ARE there. How do they party? Which kinds of heartless are around?

SORA - THE HEARTLESS!

DJ HEARTLESS - (singing as the heartless dance to the music) I...FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE ME. I WANNA RIDE; CAN'T FIGHT IT. I MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE DRUMBEAT.

DONALD - They're taking people's hearts and taking over the club.

>What are said people doing while this happen? Wouldn't there be a panic?

GOOFY - Gawrsh, that's no good!

DJ HEARTLESS - ...CUZ I'M ADDICTED TO DRUMS AND I'M A SLAVE TO THE DARKBEAT!

CID - (drunk) Hey, they're playin' Oscar G and Ralph Falcon! I love this song! (to the Heartless) Hey, FELLAS! Do you take requests?
How about playin' some Nelly?

GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!

>Aren't the heartless drawn to the keyblade? They would have spotted Sora and co before...

DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!

CID - Don't mention it, Daffy.

DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

>Would Donald have time getting pissed at Cid considering the fact that there's an army of Heartless heading for them?

TO BE CONTINUED....


I'd like to call this the skeleton of a story, an outline to work more on. It kinda reminds of my own starting notes before rewriting. Don't take any critizism too harshly as I said, we're trying to help you improve your writing style.

[Sorcerer]

I think we scared him off lol..

[OmegaflareX]

Originally posted by Sorcerer
I think we scared him off lol..

You and I were probably the ones who had the most effect. :P

[Sorcerer]

Ah well, wouldn't be the first time.

[Weiila]

It's none of our fault when the person we're trying to help only takes it as offenses, then there's nothing we can do about it.

[StarStorm]

Although I skipped his story,(I poked in this thread earlier, I don't want to go paychospaz) from his arguming, I almost mistook his pot count for his age.

[OmegaflareX]

Spaz, that's probably his actual age. :P

It's sad when people take offense in place of HELPFUL comments.

Now, to RPGDude should he ever read this:

RPGDude, I've had it with you. I've tried to be nice, but like what you did when Sorc replied, you assumed I was being an ass, so I might as well BE an ass instead of trying to convince you otherwise. It's obvious that you've received neither respect or recognition from anybody and all you've done is bitch about your half ass story since you got here, and I can tell that RPGClassics is too much for your incompetent, socially inept personality. When you join communities, you should be aware that people can say whatever the fuck they want, including their opinions, as long the rules allow it, and because you didn't get the reaction you wanted for your so called story does not give you the license to be a prick. Maybe you ought to change your ways and grow the fuck up, and you know what? You're going to need a lot of luck with that. ^_~ If you're going to come back here, kindly make sure you act your own age this time.

EDIT: I know he can't read this, but I don't care that much, it just felt good getting it out.

[redshuriken]

I read his posts too and I have to agree with you guys. It was all dialogue and no story. The reader was basically left to imagine what the character would be like. If the reader never played the game they were left in the dark. That's how I felt about characters like Sora from Kingdom Hearts.

[sephiroth_eternal]

Man, I jus read the whole thread

and I have to admit...you guys WERE 100% right and the way he reacted WAS plain SAD!

Sigh.... I wonder where RPGdude is...

hope he hasn't killed himself or something...

(hey dont lookamme....that guy sounded capable of doing it)

oh well...

AND NOW 'THE NICEST PERSON IN THIS THREAD' awards goes to Weiila!!!!

Man ...this world would be a much better place if there are more ppl like Weiila in it... :-(

[Rhaka]

<img src="http://www.rpgclassics.com/staff/tenchimaru/td.gif"> This thread has been dead for 4 months. Please don't revive threads that have been dead for a week, let alone 4 months.

[Sorcerer]

Don't necropost, it makes the great ones fart uncontrollably.

[yoshmeister]

Yay! Rpg dude!, but couldn't you put some of the final fantasy tactics characters in there?

[StarStorm]

*shoves a stake in the thread's heart*

[Valkyrie Esker]

http://www.rpgclassics.com/~hideout/sprites/images/valkyrie/valstand.gifAnd the Lord dost spoke unto the people, "And yea, though we mourn the passing of threads lone gone, do not disturb their spirits, for they will be naught but shadows of their former selves, and shall return to spread dischord throughout the hearts of Man.

Lost commandment #24: Thou shalt not Necropost.

[OmegaflareX]

As much as I wholeheartedly agree with the facts that RPGDude reached a new level with "Fanfiction that should never, ever be released to the public" and that RPGDude should be throttled, nuked, incinerated, pissed on, and fed to wolves for being such a whiny asshole, this thread has been gone for months.

Originally posted by Sorcerer
Don't necropost, it makes the great ones fart uncontrollably.

That's what I call originality. :ah-ha!:

[Sorcerer]

Originally posted by yoshmeister
Yay! Rpg dude!, but couldn't you put some of the final fantasy tactics characters in there?

You *actually* thought that was _good_? Man, you suck.

[Weiila]

Yeah, don't necropost, but done is done and no real harm in it. Just try to avoid it in the future.

And Yoshi, I normally never say things like this but did you really READ the stuff? O_o

[StarStorm]

St taht, did you even see his reaction? To be honest, liking that is pretty poor taste.

Nothing against you Yoshi, tbu this fic was enver really any good.

Shame RPGDude took it so aharshly when we told him that. Reading it, I actually felt my precious IQ points slipping away!

[Weiila]

Well anyway, I think it's overdue time to lock this thing. We shall remember it in our hearts (despite attempts not to) and use it as assurances for stumbling authors that their fics are not horrible.